


Until My Ship Comes In

by MorganaNK



Category: Angel: the Series
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-14
Updated: 2019-04-14
Packaged: 2020-01-13 09:45:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18466438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MorganaNK/pseuds/MorganaNK
Summary: Angel broods about Buffy





	Until My Ship Comes In

**Author's Note:**

> Characters are the property of Joss Whedon and all interested parties.  
> The title and the lyrics by the DumDums  
> Lyrics in italics

_Loneliness, plays it’s wicked game with me_  
_Maybe I’ll be saved, but I have nothing to believe_  
_With no-one in my arms, underneath a quiet sky_  
_And nothing in my heart, a nothing symphony_  


It’s at times like this, when the office is empty, Cordelia and Wesley have gone home and I am all by myself up here on the roof, that I really feel it. The nothing. When they are around it is enough, I can convince myself that I have everything I need right here but, in the quiet hours before the breaking of the dawn, that’s when the façade falls away and I see the truth. I am alone.

It took me two hundred years to find her, I never thought myself worthy of love, shied away from it, but she broke down my barricades. And now in some small way I wish she hadn’t. If I had never known love, maybe I would have a yearning for it, the knowledge that something was missing, but I wouldn’t feel as if I was dying.

That sounds strange even to me, as I have been dead for a long time, but even the dead can die. Day by day a little of me fades away, and the only thing that can stop it is to be in her arms again.

 _The radio, plays the same six songs a day_  
_Automatic words, cruel and comforting to me_  
_Everything is bleak, people-less, hollow and concrete_  
_Staring at the sea, but my thoughts are far from me_  


She has moved on, found everything I wanted for her, everything I wanted with her. She is right; my leaving was an act of selfishness and cowardice. I wanted to discover me, but I also wanted to escape seeing her wither, I’m not strong enough for that.

I know that I have changed since we’ve been apart; a fact Cordelia reminds me of daily. I’ve learnt that it is ok for me to smile, to laugh, to interact with people. I’ve learnt that I am worthy of the small pleasures I receive. But these are hollow rewards compared to her love.

I keep thinking that one day I will wake up and the pain will have faded, the next day it will have gone a little more, until I wake and feel…nothing. But that’s just a fallacy, an illusion, a pipedream. Every day I wake to find the knife has been twisted and the wound is deeper. Emotionally I am bleeding dry.

 _I was giving it a little more time_  
_I was giving it a little more time_  
_I was giving it a little more time_  
_But things don’t seem to be getting better_  


How much longer can I go on? Will I find one day that my will has left me completely? I stare down at this city; it’s people a colony of ants, hurrying and oblivious, somewhere to go, someone to be. Will I ever be a part of that?

 _The lonely people sail the sea_  
_There’ll be a storm inside of me_  
_Until my ship comes in_  
_All I have is what I am_  
_On this island I will roam_  
_Until my ship comes in_  



End file.
